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- “What did you do in school today?” elicits complete silence or the popular refrains, “I don’t know” and “I don’t remember.”
- You are the “only mommy” who did not pack a lunch dessert for your child. Apparently, strawberries don’t qualify as dessert, especially not if your child cannot open the Ziplock baggie in which they were stored.
- Your child must have a backpack even though they don’t have books or papers to carry back and forth on a daily basis. Carrying an empty backpack is completely normal and necessary.
- The details you do learn of your child’s day are superfluous: “My teacher wears high heels!”
- Smiling while looking at the camera is an endeavor more difficult than the decathalon.
- Stopping to chat with other mothers for only a minute or two turns into over an hour and you wonder if you will soon be referred to as a yenta.
- Even though your child concedes that the Dora the Explorer pillow you provided for naptime is not actually alive, Dora still managed to grab and pull your child’s hair with malicious intent.
- Your child whines of hunger the second you pick them up. Refer to #2 above.
- Once greeted by six hours of free time (even though that free time is spent with a 10 month-old baby) you should not start promising owners of Gymboree franchises that you will teach infant classes three days a week.
- Do not provide your child with the coolest new underwear from the most popular new Disney movie if you do not want her lifting her dress every five minutes to show her classmates.
- You can get up at 6:30am without being a zombie—just go to bed at 6:30pm.
- If you send your child to school in sandals, they will return home with black feet.
- Never before have six hours gone by so slowly…and yet so quickly.
Rarely do I stray into my mommy life on this blog, but if I’m writing for kids while raising them, then a little parenting humor has its place. Enjoy, mommies! (P.S. This article may or may not be based on actual events!)
This is for all the stay-at-home mothers who are exhausted at the end of the day only to be greeted by the words:
“What did you do all day long?”
I realize our husbands work hard so that we may stay home and care for our families, and I appreciate their sacrifices. They sit in traffic jams, discuss process and procedure at redundant meetings, and stress over outsourcing and layoffs. They eat lunches of bland, bark-dry chicken and imagine the blissful hours we spend in the safe, comfortable confines of our own home, children playing happily at our feet while we page through the latest romance novel.
Umm…no.
To dispell the soap-opera-and-bon-bon-eating-couch-dweller myth of stay-at-home mothers I present to you an average day in husband perceived time (herein referred to as HPT, not to be confused with home pregnancy test) versus actual time.*
Task: Wake children and get them bathed
HPT: 30 minutes
Actual Time: 60 minutes
First child wishes to remain in the bed she so desperately tried to avoid the night before. While removing second child’s diaper, she pees all over herself, your pajamas, and the floor. Throw pajamas in the wash, scrub floor with antibacterial yet environmentally-friendly cleanser, and place children in bath. Second child makes poop-ready face, so she immediately must come out of bath water with shampoo still in hair. Wrestle new diaper on, rinse hair, clothe her, bathe first child. Slip on floor, ice sore ankle, let first child run around wet and naked.
Task: Feed children breakfast (and yourself if you have the chance)
HPT: 15 minutes
Actual Time: 45 minutes
First child refuses to eat and throws food on floor. Sit child in time-out. Clean floor. Second child spits food out like a machine gun. Clean floor. First child returns to table, lifts cereal bowl to drink like cat, spills milk. Calm tears. Clean floor. Remove second child from highchair, half the breakfast you thought was eaten falls to the ground. Slip on floor, ice sore ankle, let baby lick crumbs off ceramic tile.
Task: Take preschooler to school
HPT: 10 minutes (even though school is 15 minutes away)
Actual Time: 70 minutes
Spend 15 minutes getting shoes and jackets on children and buckling into Houdini-quality childseats. Drive to school. Wrestle stroller out of car, get baby into stroller, carry backpack, lunchbox, stuffed animal du jour and walk (limp) child to classroom. Get stopped by parent #1 requesting an RSVP to their child’s birthday party. Get stopped by parent #2 requesting a playdate. Get stopped by parent #3 requesting you chair a PTA fundraiser. Preschool director says you did not sign a precious piece of paperwork. File into her office and wait 10 minutes while she finds crucial document: a pledge to provide a peanut-free lunch.
Task: Put baby down to nap
HPT: 5 minutes
Actual time: 30 minutes
Baby fights sleep. A cough appears out of nowhere, causing her to awaken just as she is about to fall asleep. Get in car and drive around neighborhood.
Task: Free time while baby naps
HPT: All day long
Actual time: 37.2 seconds
Chores done in beat to William Tell Overture: sort clothes for laundry, run a wash, put this morning’s soiled jammies in dryer, empty the dishwasher and reload, make yourself a sandwich, go through mail, schedule a doctor’s appointment, return phone calls to your mother-in-law, your babysitter and the YMCA for swim lessons that have been cancelled and rescheduled for a day and time that is most inconvenient for you. Sit and eat lunch. Thirty seconds of bliss. Bite into sandwich as baby wakes from carseat flashnap.
Task: Pick-up preschooler from school
HPT: 0 minutes (you mean she doesn’t take a bus?)
Actual Time: 45 minutes
Preschooler is starving when you arrive. Examine lunchbox. Entire lunch remains. Sit at school while child eats lunch that should have been consumed three hours ago.
Task: Play with kids
HPT: 60 minutes
Actual Time: 60 minutes
Draw with chalk on driveway. Skip. Roll on grass. Blow bubbles. Have tickle contest. Giggle and make goofy faces. Collect acorns; plant them.
Task: Make dinner
HPT: 30 minutes
Actual Time: 60 minutes
“Hey honey, how come Rachael Ray can do it in 30 minutes?” Like Jane Jetson, you press a button on a little silver box and dinner magically appears in a cloud of steam, hot and ready, on a table already set with placemats, forks, knives, spoons, napkins, plates, glasses and everyone’s favorite beverage.
Task: Prepare for tomorrow
HPT: 0 minutes (what, can’t you do that tomorrow?)
Actual Time: 60 minutes
Make lunch and pack it. Check weather report and take out clothes for tomorrow, jackets, gloves, hats, boots, gloves. Throw out junk mail, sort bills, tack invitations on the fridge and check calendar. Make grocery list. Fold laundry. While helping first child go to the potty, baby grabs pile of laundry. Refold laundry. Put laundry away.
I’ll skip bedtime and instead point you to this poignant little ditty on YouTube. This husband’s inner HPT clock is working perfectly.
So, let’s add it all up for the day…drumroll please…
Husband Perceived Time of All Tasks: 1 hour (only playing with the kids counts)
Actual Time of All Tasks (including 30 minutes potty time): 7.7 hours
Hmmm, out of an eight-hour day, that gives us exactly 18 minutes to blog.
*Please note that HPT exists in households where mothers work outside the home as well. In this case, the HPT may be even more distorted.
Last week I interviewed author-illustrator Steve Ouch about his indie picture book, SteamPotVille. I had discovered Steve on Twitter in January with 5,000 followers, 19 five-star reviews on Amazon, and a passion for promoting his book.
Today he may have made Twistory by selling 200 copies of SteamPotVille, enough to reach #208 in Amazon’s ranking system, just behind one of Rick Steves’ travel books. What inspired the push? Steve’s banker had promised him a book tour loan if he could sell 200 copies today. So that’s just what he did.
Steve remained on Twitter for 15 hours and made hundreds of posts pushing his book. With over 10,000 followers now, he only needed 2% of them to buy. And they did. He Tweeted when someone made a purchase and promoted that person. He excerpted lines from the book. Suggested adults would love it as much as kids. Offered it as a St. Patrick’s Day gift idea. There wasn’t a sales angle he missed.
If you want to learn something about marketing and self-promotion, follow Steve Ouch on Twitter.
Today literary agents Lauren E. MacLeod and Colleen Lindsay hosted “QueryFail” on Twitter. Several agents and editors joined in by sharing the worst query lines from their slush piles.
The intention wasn’t to mock writers, but to educate them. “I know writing and querying are hard,” wrote Ms. MacLeod. “So my queryfails have been chosen from people who did not follow submission guidelines.”
Originally I had reposted many of the QueryFail examples here. But after hearing from several writers who were upset by the event, I have removed the specific entries. Instead, I’ll focus on what I learned by following QueryFail.
I apologize to those writers who felt disrespected. My intention in reposting was to share what I thought was good information. I still think it’s good information. But if you know me personally, you know I’m an empathetic soul and I don’t wish to cause another writer distress. Frankly, we’re distressed enough.
So onto what I learned, sans examples…
1. Failure to follow directions is an automatic rejection.
Agents receive hundreds of queries a week. Their submission guidelines help them work efficiently. If you don’t follow those guidelines, it takes more time to read and respond to your query. The easiest solution is therefore not to bother.
2. Don’t include anything in your query other than what is requested. (Typically a one-page letter and first page(s) writing sample.)
What sells a book? The writing. The same goes true for your query. The writing sample’s the thing. Don’t include food, photos, scented paper, stickers, alcohol or anything else. This distracts from your writing, the one thing that will win the agent’s attention.
3. An agent makes a living by selling books. If you don’t have a book available to sell, you shouldn’t be querying.
Do not query until your book is finished, polished and ready for sale. Agents do not write for you, so don’t send ideas you want them to complete. Don’t contact an agent if you have something already published but nothing new to sell.
4. Only include relevant, professional publishing credentials in your query.
If you are writing a middle grade novel, your articles for a food packaging trade magazine aren’t relevant. Neither is adult fiction, unfortunately. And if you don’t have any credentials, don’t apologize. Simply list your membership in a writer’s organization, like SCBWI. Remember, your writing is what matters. Experience is good, but not a requirement.
5. Submit a novel with a unique idea, not a bizarre one.
You may write well, but is your book marketable? Remember, an agent’s job is to sell books.
6. Don’t toot your own horn.
Confidence is an attractive quality. Arrogance is not. Know the difference.
7. Remember correct punctuation and grammar.
If your one-page query contains mistakes, the agent can assume that your manuscript is flawed, too.
8. Use the correct salutation.
Call the agent by their name. They want to know that you know who they are! If they are agent #47 in an email blast, they know you haven’t done your research. Don’t call a female agent “sir.” And don’t address your query “to whom it may concern.”
After all those fails you may be wondering, what is a Query Win?
- First sentence hook
- Wordcount/genre
- One- or two-paragraph blurb
- Relevant writing credits/background
- Polite closing
- Solid writing sample
If you want to read more, search TweetGrid.com for #queryfail.
One last tip from Query Fail: “If you must scream about your rejection, do so into a pillow, not on your blog.”
Random comments on the children’s book industry from editors and agents attending the NJ-SCBWI mentoring workshop on February 22:
On THE ECONOMY:
“Things are getting tighter with budgets. As hard as it was to get published, it’s even harder now.”
“Bookstores are cutting down on their inventory. We can’t get as many books in, so we’re not buying as many books.”
“This is not just a correction of the marketplace, it’s a correction of the mind.”
“We’re going to be seeing far fewer advances for mediocre books.”
“But if you’re a new author, you don’t have a poor track record to hurt you.”
“We may see a return to house authors. Authors and publishers will enter a partnership. They’ll help nuture one another and careers will have a steady progression. If you find a house that loves you, they will love you long time!”
On MARKETING & PROMOTION:
“Learn how to market your books. Do school visits. Use social networking tools. Talk to other writers about your book. Talk to everyone about your book.”
“Get to know your publicist and marketing director. They are your friends. But don’t overwhelm them with 17 email messages a day. Let them know you’re their partner.”
“Realize that the books you see up front in the stores are paid for by the publishers through co-op marketing. If they have a talking slip? Paid for. If they’re on an end-cap? Paid for.”
“Become friends with your local librarian and your local bookstores. But always keep your publicist informed about what you’re doing. Don’t go over their head. Don’t go over your editor’s head, either. That’s bad business for everyone involved.”
“Don’t waste people’s time. Don’t send chocolate to all the Borders buyers in the country.”
“With school visits, you’re a celebrity to those kids. Get yourself out there. Build word-of-mouth.”
“Temper your expectations. If you wrote a teen non-fiction book, the big retailers aren’t going to carry it. That’s not their market.”
“Don’t follow today’s trends. Writing for the market in general is a terrible idea.”
“If you’re a picture book writer, don’t start writing a YA about vampires just because it’s popular.”
On EDITORS:
“Editors are always in the market for a well-written book. But I can’t define for you what that is. I know it when I see it.”
“Know what your editor likes. Know who you’re submitting to. I don’t like gross stories.”
“But I do! Send them to me!”
“We like authors who are agented because the work comes in polished.”
Editorial Anonymous provided a great explanation of basic picture book construction a few months ago.
At that time, I skimmed the info. Today, I’m studying it.
Why? An editor asked me to make page breaks on my current manuscript. And know what? I had more page breaks than a 32-page picture book would allow! Whoops. I knew that my manuscript had to fall within the 500- to 800-word length, but I had neglected to pay attention to logical page breaks.
The editor said, “Page turns can make or break a book, and it can be helpful to an editor to see how you envision the text.”
In a 32-page picture book, you don’t actually have 32 pages for your story. You only have 24 pages since 8 are used for the book ends, copyright and title. And 24 pages translates to 12 spreads (an illustration that spans the two opened pages in a book).

Self-ended means that the printed book block serves not only for the story, but also for the end pages. No additional paper is used to form the book. The printed book block is pasted directly onto the cover.
Another common format is colored ends. This means colored paper (different from the printed book block) is used for the end pages. With colored ends, you’ll gain an additional 2 1/2 spreads since more of the printed book block is available for story.

Some picture books have single-page illustrations instead of spreads. One of my favorite devices is when a group of three things are illustrated on one page. But this isn’t done on every page. A debut author’s work might be laid out only in spreads to save on costs (it’s less illustrations to produce), so you may want to think mostly in spreads. As always, publishing is a subjective industry, so this will vary by editor.
You may be asking, why do I need to know this? Won’t the editor and illustrator figure out the page breaks? Sure, they will. Some may not even ask for your page-break input. However, you can write a more appealing picture book if you understand the format for which you’re writing. Knowing the page turns will improve your story’s pacing. You’ll realize which scenes may have too much text. You can make page turns surprising and fun.
So give it a try. Take your current PB and plug it into the format. Does it fit?
I just took a random sampling of 7 picture books from my collection. Interestingly, none had self-ended construction. They all had colored ends. Here’s how they broke down:

I don’t think I’ll ever look at a picture book the same way again. My kids are going to be frustrated if I count spreads while I read to them!
It’s interesting to note that Cowboy Camp and Spaghetti Eddie are both by debut authors. Cowboy Camp is illustrated in spreads, whereas Spaghetti Eddie is told with mostly single-page illustrations. This “illustrates” that publisher preferences vary (as do manuscripts)!
Keep in mind that when you submit your manuscript, you should do so in the standard format, unless the submission guidelines specifically request that you mark page breaks.
Some editors will never ask you for page breaks, some will insist upon them. Remember that this is a subjective industry where there are many rules to follow but many places to break them, too.

Tammi Sauer
In 2000, I started toying with the idea of writing children’s books (this meant I would write for a couple of hours one day and not write another word for the next, oh, ten months or so). I didn’t get serious about writing children’s books until the spring of 2003 when an illustrator paid a visit to my daughter’s preschool. Seeing a real live person who was involved in the creation of children’s books was the push I needed to make writing a priority in my life. I received Cowboy Camp’s offer the following year.
I WISH it only took 1-2 years! Chicken Dance will hit the shelves three years after I received the offer. Mostly Monsterly debuts two and a half years post-offer. The waiting is pretty horrible–especially since I am not a patient person. At all.
February is over, but fear not, kidlit lovers!
I met author-illustrator Steve Ouch on Twitter several weeks ago and was immediately impressed by his 5,000 followers. (Which has now topped 10,000.) Just who is this guy? Why had I never heard of his book SteamPotVille?
Twitter is parallel to human society. All of the general rules of socializing apply to this medium, so I get out there and socialize. The more I do it, the more popular I become.













